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Hurricane Season
Any day now if you live in FLORIDA, you're going to turn on the TV
and see a weatherperson pointing to some radar blob out in the
Atlantic and making two basic meteorological
points:
There is no need to
panic.
We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane
season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to
the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big
one." The best way to get information on this topic is to ask
people who were here during Hurricane Andrew (we're easy to
recognize, because we still smell faintly of b.o. mixed with
gasoline). Based on our experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness
plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water
to last your family for at least three
days.
STEP 2. Put
these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that
most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people
will foolishly stay here in Florida. If you're one of those
people, you'll want to clip out the following useful hurricane
information and tuck it away in a safe place so that later on,
when a storm is brewing, you will not be able to locate
it.
We'll start with one of the most important
hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If
you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long
as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is
reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in
Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is
located in Florida, or any other area that might actually
be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer
not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might
be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
they got into the insurance business in the first place. So
you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which
will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the
replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company
can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an
estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week,
I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and
Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my
kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane
shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a
major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of
shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood
shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you
make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal
shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all
up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be
December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that
they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your
house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your
house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof" windows: These
are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like
ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You
can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in
Nebraska.
"HURRICANE PROOFING" YOUR PROPERTY: As the
hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting
relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming
pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the
hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
(If you happen to have deadly missiles in your yard, don't
worry, because the hurricane winds will turn THEM into
harmless objects).
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a
low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you
will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your home, along with two million other evacuees. So, as a
bonus, you will not be lonely.
SUPPLIES: If you don't
evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Florida tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go
to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers
over who gets the last can of Spam. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
23
flashlights.
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the
flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so
GET some,)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm
deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
(This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks
cool.)
A large quantity
of bananas, to placate the monkeys. (Ask anybody who went
through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
monkeys.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after
the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with
no discernible teeth.
Of
course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane
draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of
the situation by turning on your television and watching TV
reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and
tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay the heck away from the ocean. At that point,
if you've prepared all you can, there's frankly nothing left
for you to do but pray. I mean for a really BIG wave.
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