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Dear Ivan:
Hey,
how's it going out there near Jamica?
Listen, lots of
us here in Southwest Florida have been talking about your
scheduled visit.
Now, please don't take this the wrong
way. We like spectacular forces of nature as well as the next
guy. We realize that Florida and hurricanes go together like
country music and drunken driving. We don't want to mess with
tradition.
And we know you hurricanes recharge the
aquifers, provide an exhilarating break in the stifling heat
of late summer, and give neighbors a chance to bond. The
economic boost you give to Home Depot alone is enough to make
up for whatever inconvenience is to be expected.
So
normally you would be as welcome as a gang of Harley riders
during Bike Week.
But may I say that this year the
timing of your tentatively scheduled arrival seems less than
ideal.
You know that visitors start to wear out their
welcome after a few days. And too many visitors in a row can
also wear down a host and hostess. That, I'm sorry to say, is
pretty much the position we Floridians find ourselves in just
now.
Your cousin Charley blew through a few weeks ago
and, to be blunt, he was less than mannerly. He zoomed in like
a hyperactive toddler, leaving the proverbial path of
destruction, except that it was no proverb. And then he was
gone without so much as a see-ya-later.
Charley was a
leave-wet-towels-on-the-floor, never-pick-up-a-tab kind of
guest. He inspired some grumbling, and picking up after him
has been a real chore. You should have seen Punta Gorda, Port
Charlotte, Arcadia and Wauchula.
At least Charley
didn't stay long. But just when we were starting to get things
almost back to normal, Frances sauntered in.
I don't
mean to be crass, but she was HUGE. When she hung around the
state, she hung around the state, you know what I
mean?
And you know how some guests just don't leave?
That's Frances. Even when we were looking at our watches and
yawning and singing "The Party's Over" she just stayed and
stayed.
Some of us who hadn't really rolled out the red
carpet for Charley decided to prepare a lot more for Frances,
and maybe we just tired ourselves out. And then she stalled
and arrived late, which is always irritating.
She was
wasn't as wild as Charley, I'll admit. Those rumors about
Frances possibly becoming a Category 5 turned out to be
overblown hype. But she just sort of oozed through. I went to
bed Sunday
night and woke up
thinking she'd be long gone at last, but she was still here
Monday morning!
So a lot of us here are thinking that
enough is enough for one year. Actually, the experience of
almost back-to-back hurricanes has some people talking about
canceling hurricane season entirely.
Don't worry.
Floridians won't go that far. But we may consider moving
hurricane season to a nicer time of year. I know hurricanes
like it hot, but doing without air conditioning would be a lot
nicer in November, or maybe March, so as not to interfere with
football season.
I mean, did you see where Frances
actually caused the postponement of a Gator football game?
People will put up with a lot, but let's be reasonable
here.
Some are saying we should limit the number of
hurricanes allowed into Florida in one year. There might be
some debate about whether the limit should be one or two, but
there is wide agreement that three is too many.
So,
Ivan, here's the point: Florida's famous hospitality is pretty
much tapped out just now. Our enthusiasm for big winds and
rains, and for TV reporters gushing forth with excited
descriptions of it all, has bogged down like a riding
lawnmower in the swamp that used to be my back yard.
As
I said, it is nothing personal, Ivan, but what would you say
to making alternate travel plans?
I understand that the
open sea is lovely this time of year.
Sincerely Florida
Folks
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